I detransitioned after coming out – but not for the reason you’d expect

The journey of coming out as transgender is often portrayed as a straight line when it is anything but.

For me, it has been a squiggly road which means, in June this year, I have to step back to find a new way forward.

Detransitioning, which usually involves returning socially and medically to the gender assigned at birth, has been an important part of my trans journey.

It gave me a safer place to do the mental and emotional work I knew I needed to live authentically – work that I wouldn’t have realized I needed without going out first around.

There was no specific moment that contributed to my decision to detransition. It was the accumulation of several different internal and external factors that put me in a corner.

Despite public awareness of my transness since I was a child – and admitting it to myself at 18 – I was unable to come out to my friends, family, and work colleagues until last year, aged 31.

I had started my social transition at that time. I have been wearing women’s clothing and accessories and growing my hair for four years.

The days after I got out were joyous, a dizzying whirlwind of relief and possibility.

The family I thought would shun me embraced me with open arms, telling me they weren’t surprised, that they would love me. I had joined a private healthcare provider, and a few months after leaving, I started HRT.

The height is unbearable and the reality is too fast

This hormone regimen involves applying an estrogen gel daily and taking an antiandrogen to block the body from absorbing testosterone. I will not be able to reverse the male puberty I went through, but hormones offer me agency over my own body, aligning it closer to how I feel inside.

HRT had a huge impact on my thinking. I felt myself emotionally and mentally for the first time ever.

But the high can’t last and the reality is too fast.

One incident, last April, remains in my mind.

I was in the women’s bathroom, and a cis woman took me in such a dirty, angry look that I felt completely exposed by, like an intruder.

It was clear that he didn’t think I was there – and, holding back tears, I knew he made me feel that way too.

Acceptance is not enough – not if someone can’t accept you you.

Things like the one in the bathroom destroyed what little self-esteem I had left

Every smirk or stare I catch from a stranger, every comment at my expense, becomes magnified ten times in the echo chamber of my mind.

I felt like a joke to everyone else everywhere – and I didn’t have the internal strength to deal with it.

Things like the one in the bathroom destroyed what little self-esteem I had left, making me even more depressed.

I live in a remote area, which means I don’t have an offline trans community beyond my partner. With my anxiety and internalized transphobia growing, I struggled, trying to hold on to the hope that I could live life on my own terms.

But then, in June, I had the inevitable hiccups on HRT (after my private GP put me off) and I was forced to medically detransition.

Then I knew what I had to do. I am from now on again as a boy.

For the first week, to try and ease the pain, I did everything I could to get rid of my trans identity.

I tried to find the silver lining in my decision, and soon, I saw a path forward

I cut my hair short, I packed up my entire wardrobe, and bought new men’s clothes. I changed my body language, vocal patterns and developed a facade to help me navigate my male identity. The lack of HRT in the UK and the rise of transphobia mean I reckon it will be years before I can come out as trans again.

But I tried to find a silver lining in my decision, and soon, I saw a path forward.

I know I don’t have what it takes to survive as an open trans person.

Clarity came one night when he heard me speak, felt my movements, and realized I had become a stranger, pretending to be someone he didn’t want.

I need to develop a sense of pride and take steps to face and deal with my emotional problems. I started journaling and meditating, and actively working through my fear and shame responses.

Importantly, I realized that I also needed to build a community. Also throwing myself headfirst into online groups, I started going to meet up for local trans women. I even attended my first Pride event recently.

I think I’m half in, half out of the closet right now

Being surrounded and welcomed by so many trans people, and that’s just the beginning!

It’s been over two months since my decision to detransition and I’ve made more progress than I thought possible.

I think I’m half in, half out of the closet right now.

Although I have asked my family to use my real name, I am better known by my birth name throughout my professional life.

But I make no secret of my transness. I tried to have it.

Weeks after packing, I’ve started wearing a lot of women’s clothes again – and still attract mockery, smirks, stares and everything else. But now, I can feel my pride and strength every day.

In fact, I was booked to have a trans symbol tattooed on my body. It will be a literal sign of the love I have for myself and the community I started to surround myself with.

I have also started HRT again a month after being forced to stop. Desperately trying to get my hormones through the local NHS GP paid off after they agreed, out of the blue, to prescribe to me. I cried and couldn’t stop grinning at this gift that fate saw fit to give me.

Now I can let myself go out again through the closed door, without feeling that I am alone on the stage, and my mind is balanced again.

There is no such thing as a straight journey – especially if you are trans. I am as guilty as anyone of assuming I have a linear path ahead.

Detransition was not the journey I wanted to take, but I knew it was what I needed.

I am trans. I was definitely trans.

And when I’m ready, I’ll be back in full swing to live my best life, on my own terms.

Do you have a story you want to share? Get in touch by emailing James.Besanvalle@metro.co.uk.

Share your thoughts in the comments below.

MORE: I’ve been fired 14 times in 8 years for something I had no control over

MORE: I don’t want my trailblazing hero great-grandfather to be forgotten

MORE: I felt like a sore thumb until I met 4 other women

This site is protected by reCAPTCHA and Google’s Privacy Policy and Terms of Service apply.