‘The last time we had sex was six months ago. I’m not sure why – life just gets in the way.’
‘We usually do it at least once a week. Then once a month, now every three months. Does this mean it will stop completely?’
What does it mean if you stop having sex like you used to?
Is it the end of your relationship or all of your couples?
The answer is that dry spells happen to the happiest of us. It’s a normal part of any long-term relationship and certainly not a sign that you’re doomed to never have sex again… although you can if you don’t address it.
One in five men in England stop having sex completely by the early 40s; which rose to 57 per cent at the age of 74. But it’s not just old people – the frequency of sex drops as early as our 30s, even with those who are childfree. People who have children often experience sexual disturbances and, in some cases, peters come out completely after their arrival.
Some dry spells are recognizable: one of them is sick or a parent dies. Others start with a vague loss of interest and then sex just never resumes.
While some couples quite enjoy kissing sex life. Others – especially men – feel frustrated, torn and angry because sex is no longer offered, but they must remain faithful.
Here’s how to successfully navigate dry spells.
Sexpert Tracey Cox (pictured) has discussed how it feels to have your ex become the person you want to be – with a new partner
FOR DRY PAMPERING
There are many reasons why physical intimacy may decline. Some of the most common include:
Predictability: We slip into sexual shorthand with our partners over time – we know what works and what doesn’t and stays what it is. This is the equivalent of just playing the Greatest Hits of your favorite band. It’s boring.
Parenting: Being pregnant puts a lot of tension on the body; bringing up a young child puts pressure on both of you. There is little privacy or time, you are sleep deprived, and sex feels like another thing on the to-do list.
Tired and stressed: Many people are struggling with the cost-of-living crisis, worrying about the future and working two jobs to make ends meet. If you’re middle-aged or younger, your career ambitions sometimes come before your relationships. Older spouses are affected by caring for elderly parents: it is time-consuming, stressful and can lead to depression. It’s easy for sex to slip down the list of important things.
Relationship problems: When you’re in a fight and don’t feel heard or loved, the last thing you want is to kiss and be naked.
There are many reasons why physical intimacy can decline (stock image)
Hormones: Women struggle more than men with hormonal changes throughout their lives. But especially in all stages of menopause when the three hormones responsible for the desire and pleasure of sex – estrogen, progesterone and testosterone – all decrease drastically. Our bodies change, our skin becomes dry and sex is uncomfortable: the effects can be brutal. A study of 24,000 postmenopausal women found only 22 percent were still sexually active.
old: As we get older, health problems become more frequent. If you have a dodgy back, you may not be able to get into position for sex. When you’re sick, there’s nothing fun about it.
Incentives: Men often orgasm with their partners, many women do not. Sex isn’t and isn’t just about orgasm, but if you know you’re going to have one, your incentive for sex will definitely be higher. The orgasm gap occurs because men are not educated on how to please women and use ineffective techniques.
HOW TO GET BACK ON TRACK
The solution to dry spells really depends on what’s causing it. But doing all of the following will help immensely, regardless of the driving factor.
Don’t ignore it. The worst thing you can do is stick your head in the sand and pretend it didn’t happen. Acknowledge it by saying something like, ‘I miss having sex with you and I know we don’t do it the way we used to. Once X (for whatever reason) sorts itself out, we’ll be back on track’.
If sex has stopped because of other relationship issues, address that first. If you feel stuck or like it’s unraveling, see a couple or sex therapist.
Don’t forget the myth. There are two things to be aware of. First, sex is not natural so less often the old you ask and again you with each other. Manage expectations. Second, don’t measure yourself against your friends. Everyone lies about their sex life. Find what works for you.
Brush up on your type of skills – especially if you’re a straight man. The more women like sex, the more they want. The better your technique, the more likely he will climax.
Put yourself in your partner’s shoes. If the partner has just missed out on the promotion they will certainly get, their self-esteem takes a hit which affects their desire.
Address health issues and reduce stress. The healthier your lifestyle, the more likely you will continue to have sex. Eat well, drink less alcohol, exercise a lot.
Do not use sex substitutes. Usually men are satisfied with porn and masturbation when sexual relations are boiling. Okay, if you have a very different sex drive and don’t want to be a sex pest. Just don’t do it all the time. Women meet their physical needs through their children. Don’t just hug your kids, hug your partner too.
Love is soft but not blind. Personality is important, but don’t consider yourself invisible. Don’t be a sofa slob: ask to be dressed up occasionally.
Try something new. If boredom is a problem, get creative — and dispel the illusion that you don’t need to plan sex. Spontaneous sex is not just good sex. Each makes a list of five things you’ve wanted to try but haven’t. Watch sexy shows together, buy some sex toys. Sex is meant to be fun: people who play, stay!
Listen to Tracey’s podcast, SexTok with Tracey and Kelsey, every Wednesday.
You’ll find her books, products and blog at traceycox.com.
