I’m learning to navigate sex after being sexually assaulted — I want to get my body back

Welcome How I amseries which we give seven days sneak peek into sex life from a stranger.

For this week’s How I Do It we hear from Kairah* 29 years old from East London.

As a bi-curious Black British woman, Kairah grew up in a religious household where talking about sex was completely off the cards.

‘I was taught that sex is for marriage and, for a while, I believed – I still like it,’ Kairah explained.

‘I tried to save myself for marriage, but that decision was taken from me when I was raped at 19.’

Kairah said it took her two years for her to realize she’d been assaulted and even longer for her to accept it, leaving her relationship with sex ‘tainted’.

And, as a response to her trauma, she turned to a pattern of casual sex with strangers.

He said: ‘At first, it was great. It felt freeing, actually. But then there was another occasion when I was attacked again.

‘Then, I started using casual sex as a coping mechanism.’

Since then, Kairah has tried to sleep only with men who see a long-term relationship with, but it does not always go to plan.

She added: ‘I like sex with men who are quite dominant. However, I think it could be a trauma response.

‘I struggle with self-control because of my attacks, so I rarely initiate sex and let people lead.’

Without further ado, here’s how Kairah is doing this week…

The following sex diary is, as you can imagine, not safe for work.

Monday

I was going to work from home today but I chose to set myself up with my laptop at Shoreditch House, as I was meeting a work contact here for dinner. I spend a few hours working and before you know it, it’s time for a meeting.

I found some time to read a few pages of The Right To Sex by Amia Srinivasan. The book explores sex and its relationship to gender, class and race.

One particular point that stood out to me was the idea that people do not know better when it comes to consent. ‘Men have chosen not to listen because it is convenient not to because the norms of masculinity dictate that pleasure takes priority,’ Srinivasan writes.

This is very important because I have always given grace to my abusers in the past. I always thought he didn’t know what he was doing, but he did.

Tuesday

I woke up early to go to the gym for 45 minutes. I love how I feel after a workout. When I get home, I shower, prepare breakfast and start work.

I find myself drifting to the last time I had sex, which was six weeks ago. Although I am still committed not to sleep with random people, I am a woman with needs, so I allow myself to participate in casual sex as long as it is with someone I have slept with before.

The person I slept with the person I fell in love with a few months ago. We had our first date in March. He is quite perfect. Smart, kind, and empathetic. A big part of my healing journey was also opening up with a new partner about my abuse. We had sex on our first date, and I decided to tell him I had been raped a few weeks later.

He is very reassuring and affirming. She thanked me and said she wanted to talk more about how to make sex a safe place.

That conversation didn’t happen because dad was in and out of the hospital and his responses were starting to be inconsistent, so I ended it. However, he was back in London for the summer, so I decided to follow him.

This type is quite disappointing. He felt as rushed and uncomfortable as I remembered. I thought having sex with someone would feel empowering but I felt annoyed.

Wednesday

It’s the last day of my period and I’m feeling really horny. I always feel quite horny in the run-up and during my menstrual cycle. When I work from home, I thought about playing with myself, but I have a lot of things to do today, so I stopped.

I started masturbating at 21. I spent years believing that self-pleasure was wrong because of my Christian upbringing. However, one day I got bored at uni and started watching porn.

It felt strange and unnatural but finally, I started touching myself and I came. It feels amazing. Since then, I often masturbate. I try not to make a habit of it because I have an addictive personality, but every time I get tempted to order someone for sex, I wank.

It’s a powerful feeling knowing your own pleasure, as well as a reminder that no one knows me like I do.

Thursday

I’m over my period but I’m still pretty horny. I’m tempted to message someone else I date the year, Luca *.

Luca* and I slept together on our first date – which was not part of the plan. However, we went to the concert, then came back to him and after spending an hour talking to him, I felt safe.

Trying to figure out if it’s safe to sleep with someone is difficult, but I usually have a strong intuition. We talk about faith, family, mental health issues, and I find that vulnerability attractive.

And the sex is out of this world. He is passionate, caring, and attentive. He was so focused on my pleasure and even though I didn’t come (it took me a while to come because I was always in my head), it felt amazing.

After a few weeks, we decided to call it quits because we were both struggling with mental health, but I wanted to go back.

Friday

I went to the festival today with some friends, including my close friend, Syd*.

While there, I told another friend that I felt something was changing in my relationship with Syd. I wasn’t sure if it was one-sided, so I wanted to test the waters.

So, when I saw Syd I kissed her on the cheek and she proceeded to kiss her on the cheek as well.

We spent the day holding hands, flirting and finally, we kissed – this time, for real. We talk about anything between us and maybe we should explore it.

This makes me both excited and nervous. The kiss is great. Very intimate but also a bit sexual, which makes me think we can have great sex. But, I don’t want to rush because he’s my friend.

I was nervous to tell Syd about the rape. I didn’t think he would judge me and I knew he would give me space to make me feel safe, but it was still a horrible conversation. We ended the night by agreeing to meet for drinks on Monday.

saturday

I woke up with hangxiety. Did I really kiss one of my closest friends? I texted my friends to tell them the gossip. I spent the morning in a state of anxiety. thinking about having to have the dreaded conversation with Syd about my rape.

I’m generally okay about talking about it, but what I don’t like is how some people have made me feel after talking about it. My ex, in particular, had a bad reaction. Our sex life is a constant point of contention because he often feels that I struggle with intimacy. After talking about how the attack affects intimacy all said: ‘Do you want me to say that?’ That broke me.

I really regret not holding him more responsible for this word. I did not realize it at the time, but I once again felt sexually safe in a relationship and had sex with people out of duty rather than desire.

Since then, I have made sure to have this conversation with people very early so that I can understand if they are willing to deal with what it means to have sex with the victim. I wonder if Syd will be able to handle it.

Week

I love Sundays and the peace that comes with the day. I got up and made myself some french toast before going back to bed.

I played with mine this morning and it feels good. I thought about Syd all the time. I wonder what sex will be like with him.

When I date someone, I usually have sex very early. I used to think this because I had a high sex drive but now I realize that this is partly because of my complicated relationship with sex. It’s hard for me to say no when someone starts – I’m afraid if I don’t, they’ll force me to do it.

Since being raped I have also struggled with self ownership and this is something I really want to reclaim. Teach myself that I have the right to say no and that I am my body.

I hope I can keep going.

Do you have a story to share?

Get in touch via email at MetroLifestyleTeam@Metro.co.uk.

MORE: My PT said I would gain weight if I left her – then she abused me

MORE: Euston station ‘to let predators back on the road’ after attacking passengers

MORE: I haven’t had sex in two years, but I’m ready to end my dry spell

This site is protected by reCAPTCHA and Google’s Privacy Policy and Terms of Service apply.