I haven’t had sex in two years, but I’m ready to end my dry spell

Welcome How I Do Itseries which we give seven days sneak peek into sex life from a stranger.

This week we hear from Sophie*, 36, who hasn’t had sex in two years.

Sophie, who is straight, was in a long-term relationship throughout her 20s, but after breaking up with her partner, a string of disastrous one-night stands led to a complete spell of intentional celibacy.

She said: ‘I never tried to go long without sex, it just happened. Before, I only ever had a gap of a few months.

‘I know it’s better not to have sex, than to have a drunken session with a stranger I know I’ll regret it, but it’s getting a bit ridiculous now.’

The PR executive from Birmingham admits he rarely goes on dates. She said: ‘I find dating apps depressing. I’ve been through it all: ghosting, unsolicited d*ck pics, negging. And don’t get me started on Hinge’s “most compatible” features.

‘If I am matched with a pleasant, funny person, I would like to go on a date with him, and maybe eventually it will lead to sex. But I’m not sure he is.’

Without further ado, here’s how Sophie is doing this week…

The following sex diary is, as you can imagine, not safe for work.

Thursday

Something is strange. I recently came off the pill, and my drive kind of went through the roof.

The last time I had sex was in 2022, which seems shocking when I write it in black and white.

It was with someone I met at a friend’s bbq. I have forgotten most of the details, but it was handsome and funny, and also, I was drunk. We had fun, but the line of coke he snorted earlier caused the infamous ‘pilly willy’ and it didn’t last long.

So, after a few spoonfuls, I did my usual thing, and got an Uber home in the morning. If I had known it would be a long time before I had sex, I might have stayed.

I decided to get out of the pill because the depressing fact is, there is no incentive to take it and I keep forgetting. I’ve been on it since I was young, so I’m intrigued to see what a hormone-less cycle is really like.

And it seems the first side effect of having sex on the brain.

It’s been two years, of course, I’ve had sex, but a session with bullets usually does the trick. But right now, all I can think about is sex. It was so bad that when I tried to work from home, I had to go and have an emergency wank – the first of three ‘self care’ sessions that day.

Friday

It’s one of my best friend’s birthdays tonight, and I can’t wait to drink, talk trash, and dance.

As always, I was the only one of the group.

When I broke up with my ex, it was brutal, but I always assumed that after the mourning period, I would move on to the next one.

Only, it hasn’t happened for me. I think it’s partly because there is less one, available people in their 30s, but I’m different now too.

My last relationship was more bad than good – my ex-boyfriend was often abusive and my trust was broken when it ended. It took a long time to heal, and I know now that I will not settle for anything less than I deserve. I can’t be miserable anymore.

But I also wondered if I was afraid of getting sick – and what appeared to me to be picky. Because I have not so much as a situation in the last few years, let alone what is even verging into the territory of a relationship.

We have a fun night out and thank you very much I never feel like a weird one out. The good thing about having a partner in a long-term relationship is that they won’t be the only ones on the dance floor – they’re over it. Instead, we danced around like idiots, before tumbling into the takeaway for some cheesy chips. I don’t think I’ll ever get bored after nights like this.

Saturday

I stayed at the end of the night with my friend, and I woke up, climbed into bed and debriefed the night while his wife made us tea.

We’re both horribly hungover, and I said just a greasy breakfast would make it better – but my friend has another solution. ‘I have to get laid today,’ she said simply.

I suddenly have a pang of jealousy that I don’t have a partner (or even an af*ck buddy) to be lazy hungover sex with. The horn-through is real, and even worse when you’ve just got a vibrator to satisfy your urge.

I finally dragged myself out of bed and went back home, where I met another friend, who had a three-month-old baby.

There are many benefits to being single, and one of them really made me question whether I should have children or not.

If I met someone at university, for example, I would have probably jumped head first into marriage and children, without thinking too much about it. It’s just what you do.

But if you’re single in your 30s, you should think about it. Do I want kids until I freeze my eggs? Will I go alone? And, do I really want to give up this life of freedom to do that? Maybe it makes me sound immature, but I like to go out, eat dinner in nice restaurants, and travel when I want. The honest answer is, I really don’t know if I want kids.

What I do know is that parenting looks really, really hard. Every mom I know is tired, and to be honest, she’s not a good advertisement for motherhood.

Week

I’m terrible in my own company, and often make so many plans, I don’t have time to just do anything. Today is a clear example, because even though it’s a busy weekend, I’m going to meet a friend for a Sunday roast.

I do not know what came over us, but the red wine flowed, and did not stop. In the middle of the night, we were absolutely hammered, and when I spotted a handsome man at the next table.

I’m not the type to approach men – I don’t have confidence – I take the stare-at-man-until-he-looks tactic. However, because of Dutch courage I threw caution to the wind and walked through.

His name is Sam*, handsome, curly hair, smiling eyes. He asked a lot of questions, talked about his family and seemed normal.

When we left, no one needed to say anything, we went home together.

I had previously had sex with a stranger – it was never very good and I was always filled with shame after – but something about Sam felt different. He held my hand on the bus ride home, chatting as if we had known each other for years. I remember that people watching could easily think that he was my girlfriend.

Back in mine we have blocked 7/10 types. I faked the first orgasm, but the second was very real. If I have concerns that I have forgotten some moves, I don’t have to worry – and not to brag, but I give a big head.

After two long years, having sex felt pretty amazing. Nothing like the original.

The only problem is that we make a stupid mistake: after one round, the condom comes out, and when we go back, there is nothing else. I hope men will be more concerned about wearing protection. I feel like someone is asking about ‘stock’ or looking for condoms.

After sex, we fell asleep cuddled up against each other. To be honest, the thing I miss most about relationships is not the wild night of passion, it’s the non-sexual intimacy. The hugs and foreheads you stole only come from someone who truly loves you. And while this night is great, it doesn’t compare to having sex with someone you have an emotional connection with.

Monday

Sam left early to get work, and I dragged myself to the office, half drunk, half asleep, and trying to act like a normal human being. Of course, I texted the girls’ chat group to let them know I was done, the drought. Texts ‘congratulations’ and ‘yay you’ve had sex!’ came the flood.

I went to the pharmacy at lunchtime to get my morning after pill, and I was relieved that the female pharmacist was polite, and totally non-judgmental.

Sam * texted me saying he had a great night. I replied saying the same, and I would like to see him again.

But by evening, hours had passed and Sam hadn’t answered…something told him he wouldn’t.

Tuesday

The inevitable has happened: I had sex, and now I have thrush. Despite the fact that I am happy that I finally have sex again, my sex is not.

I spent the day at work awkwardly shuffling in the chair, trying not to do some X-rated itching and ran to the toilet to apply a copious amount of Canesten.

I tried to distract myself with work, but it was no use. In the middle of the evening I pretended to be dizzy and got out of there, so that I could suffer in peace.

I checked my phone before going to bed and saw that Sam had read my message, but he didn’t answer.

Wednesday

I woke up and thankfully, my pH balance seemed normal. However, there was still no word from Sam, and I was annoyed. Even really nice guys aren’t nice. The older I get, the more I think I’ll spend my life being happy for others, reaching milestones I’ll never reach.

Feeling sorry for myself, I decided to go to the gym. Lifting weights and working up a sweat makes me stronger – physically and mentally.

Back at home, I watched Nobody Wants This (Adam Brody has a heart) and put down an M&S cookie, and thought about the past few days.

In just one week, I’ve spent time with amazing friends, danced like no one was watching (or at least, I hope they weren’t) and had some pretty great sex with hot people – and I’m the one brave enough to make it . The first move, something I never thought possible a few years ago.

You may not end up in love – or anything even canceled like that – but I certainly had fun, and isn’t that what life is all about?

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Get in touch via email at MetroLifestyleTeam@Metro.co.uk.

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