Jasjyot Singh Hans for NPR
If you’re up at night worrying about a relationship, we’re not the same.
For most of my life, bedtime meant rumination. I will agonize over the crush. I would analyze work emails in my mind, wondering how I would make a colleague. I’ll think about a friend’s depression, a family member’s full-time job search and whether an elderly neighbor feels lonely. It was lonely and exhausting.
If you value empathy and community, it’s normal to lose sleep over social bonding (research showing that caring for others has a positive effect on our well-being). But if worrying about other people is affecting your life, or if you have an unhealthy dependence on others for your self-esteem, this could be a sign of a behavior called codependency.
“Codependents are people who love others more than they love themselves,” says Melody Beattie, author of Codependent No Morecentral text on the subject. It can look like saying yes to someone else if you don’t mean it, drop everything to rescue a friend in crisis or can’t stop worrying about a family member in distress.
While this concept lacks official diagnosis Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorderscodependency can lead to negative emotional consequences, said Beattie. That includes a deep need for approval from others, conflict avoidance patterns or tend to neglect their own needs.
Do you have codependent tendencies?
A couple of years ago, I started to recognize the gap in the kind of relationship I wanted – together, healthy, loving, happy – and the kind of relationship I actually had – distant, one-sided and (occasionally) unhealthy.
The space between desire and reality led me to examine whether I have codependent tendencies. If you’re wondering the same, Beattie offers some questions to ask yourself.
- Do you put the needs of others before your own? Anxiety and low self-esteem can contribute to codependents not being able to set the boundaries necessary to take care of themselves, so they let others “run riot through life,” says Beattie. This can lead to feelings of anger, rage and hurt – and lead to problems like depression or staying in a dangerous situation for too long.
- Do you have a habit of trying to fix other people’s problems? Codependents tend to interfere in other people’s lives. When we make connections based on feelings of need or involve ourselves in the pain of others, we can neglect ourselves – and can contribute to hatred and self-loathing, said Beattie.
- Is a loved one’s addiction or illness ruining your life? If a codependent is addicted to alcohol, for example, they may focus all their energy on helping their loved one get or stay sober. Or they may stay home because they think it will help their partner avoid the temptation to drink. In this definition, codependents follow a dysfunctional relationship pattern. He is only OK if other people are OK.
After thinking about my own behavioral patterns, I realized that yes — I have some way of being dependent on the world, especially with my tendency to worry about others. I thought: if I only help my friends, my friends and my neighbors, maybe I will get the connection I craved in love, work and life.
How to break free from a codependent relationship
When we derive value from supporting others to the detriment of our own health, we risk the quality of our relationships. To break this pattern, try shifting your focus from the other person to yourself. Here are some ways to do it.
- Seek professional help. If you think you may be addicted, talk to a therapist who can help you explore and change your behavior. You can also join a support group. Codependents Anonymous12-step program, has a list of groups on its website.
- Relinquish control with boundaries. Before we rescue, care or worry about others, Beattie says consider your motivation. Are you trying to help? Or are you trying to control others? Boundaries can help you practice self-care by setting limits on the physical and mental space you give to others.
- Take care of yourself before you take care of otherssaid licensed marriage and family therapy Shawn Michael Howardwho is in the process of changing his name to Adesola Nnamdi. “People know that they are there to help people when they are sleeping, when they are feeding themselves, when they are taking care of themselves.”
- Identify wants and needs. Grab a pen and paper and write down what you want and need, whether it’s your deepest secret or your lightest wish, said Nnamdi. When I first started recovering from codependency, for example, I wrote down that I wanted a reciprocal relationship. Knowing this — and acting on that information — can be the start of a healthier bond.
With the help of therapy and support groups, I began to unravel my relationship. I realized that my codependency tricked me into thinking that closeness is achieved through performing care. But I learned that true care is mutual. Little by little, I stopped sleeping and calculated the way I should give it.
Whenever I need a reminder of what needs to be done, I say it At Presenting Language, daily meditation book by Beattie. Today, I will be open to giving and receiving the healthiest love.
Gina Ryder
has worked as a reporter, editor and educator for over a decade.
The audio portion of this episode was reported by Gina Ryder, produced by Margaret Cirino and edited by Meghan Keane and Malaka Gharib.
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