Polyamory isn’t for everyone, but for some, it can be a gateway to lasting and expansive love.
Jessica and Joseph Daylover, both 38, are a married polyamorous couple who share their experiences of polyamory, parenting and love with Newsweek. Polycule now—or, a practicing group of polyamorous partners—consists of couples, along with “Sis,” 31, who travels for work, but lives with a partner while on the West Coast, and “Dr. M,” 39. Due to privacy concerns, ” Sis” and “Dr. M” are pseudonyms.
Jessica and Joseph have been together for 14 years, married for 10, and have practiced polyamory for a decade-that is, a relationship structure that involves the practice of, or the desire for, intimate relationships with more than one partner with the consent of each person. .
Illustrations-photos by Newsweek
How Couples Become Polyamorous
Jessica discovered she was polyamorous shortly before marrying Joseph.
“I told my husband I believed I was polyamorous after discovering it about a few months before we got married,” she said. “He was scared, but not surprised.”
Jessica said the couple initially struggled with a lack of mentors and social scripts, but eventually built emotional and communication skills.
The current Polycule was formed when Joseph began dating “Sis” in 2022, and Jessica began a relationship with “Dr. M” in January 2023. The four adults, together with their two children Jessica and Joseph, aged 6 and 3, live together. “Sis” moves across the country to support the family with children, while “Dr. M” joins the household due to housing needs.
Rules and Limits of Polyamorous Couples
Daylovers practice “kitchen table polyamory,” a type of communication that means everyone “likes to hang out and be friends with each other, and generally ‘know’ about what’s going on in our partners’ lives outside of our direct relationship,” says Jessica.
The basic principle of the polycule, he said, is non-violent communication, which prioritizes honest communication and empathy.
“We take responsibility for our own needs and feelings and express them to our partners lovingly,” says Jessica. “It’s a wonder what a group of people with great communication skills and genuine love for each other can achieve.”
As someone who is “naturally very flirty,” Jessica said she is not one for very strict boundaries. He said that he was always polyamorous by orientation, although not by practice, and never saw a reason not to be affectionate with friends and loved ones.
The hardest part is the relationship
Jessica and Joseph face challenges inherent to non-hierarchical polyamorous practice: being primary parents of children.
“The hierarchy associated with being a married couple with children is very difficult. In principle, we want to dissolve the hierarchy or ‘spousal privilege’ that my wife and I carry, but having children in the picture creates a ‘descriptive hierarchy’ that can be difficult, ” said Jessica.
“For example, if we don’t have children, my husband will travel more with his other partner when they travel for work.
Even so, Jessica and Joseph polycule participate in parenting as much as possible. “Sis” acts as her stepmother and “Dr. M” is a combination of “fun uncle and stepdad.”
“‘Dr. M’ also maintains autonomy in terms of time and resources, but is very involved in the children’s lives,” Jessica said. “They teach them to ride a bike, they come to school conferences. It’s really funny and healthy, and I’m grateful for this family that we’ve built.”
Despite the challenges-which Jessica said includes grappling with multiple, intersecting marginalizations-a couple and polycule who have a bubble of support around them. So much so, that they have forgotten how much of the world can see the structure of negative relationships, Jessica said. However, this supportive bubble is both a privilege and a necessity.
“Anyone who doesn’t support them is not in our orbit,” he said.
Is It Right For You?
Although not for everyone, even just knowing about the existence of polyamorous relationships can help people find a language for their feelings. Jessica said it’s important to realize these feelings are true.
“My advice is to first understand that there is nothing wrong with you,” he said. “It can be scary and painful when you start to deviate from one script the majority of us have been given in relationships here in the West, but there is nothing inherently wrong with polyamorous or poly-curious.”
Jessica recommends consuming a variety of polyamorous education and content – from podcasts, books, social media – to find what works for you.
But, beyond that, there is the greater task of refining emotional intelligence and communication skills.
“For polyamory to work, you need to be very aware of what you’re feeling, how to get the ‘needs’ out of those feelings, and how to convey those needs in the form of requests to your partner,” says Jessica. .
Then, with work and dedication, you’re on your way to a healthy polyamorous situation—and, according to Jessica and Joseph, it’s worth it.
