People always ask me the secret to great sex and my answer surprises them

Looking at him, I smiled with my eyes.

I just gave her an orgasm; His body was exhausted from the ecstasy and struggled to regain his composure.

We have been shagging for hours and the culmination has made him gasp.

I love this moment during sex. Knowing I had completed the ‘project’ also filled me with a kind of stupid pride.

As someone who has lived the event type life (translation: has slept with a lot of people), I often get tips from friends and strangers.

Some ask for practical advice, others want to discuss the best way to deal with emotional issues.

While they all say it differently, most people just want to know the same thing: what’s the secret to great sex?

I’m sorry, but there isn’t one – not really. The important thing is that you are passionate and enthusiastic about the kind you are doing.

When I was in my twenties, I dated a guy who was a few years older than me.

Our sex life was amazing from the word go, and set the tone for the rest of our relationship (much to the chagrin of my poor friends).

Despite our relationship in the sack, I sometimes worry that I am not experienced enough for him.

At the time, I’d slept with more men than the average woman, but nowhere near his total.

He is also very charismatic and dominant, in and out of the bedroom, which is fun but also sexually intimidating.

But one night, my ex told me something that changed my mindset.

While cuddling in bed together, he told me how much he enjoyed my enthusiasm.

Intrigued, I asked my lover to elaborate and explained that some previous sexual partners had made him feel like sex was a chore.

My eagerness to give and receive pleasure, and zest for our kind of life, is what turns people on the most.

He didn’t need to ask if what he was doing was good for me, because my unspoken response was enough.

Most lovers have told me how refreshing it is to see me as happy as I am

And, in those years, I’ve noticed how important passion is during sex – oral, penetrative or otherwise.

Some partners are so surprised by how expressive I am in bed that they ask me if I’m cheating.

One ex immediately couldn’t believe that I enjoyed sleeping with him as much as I did – to the point of almost causing an argument.

Most loving But has told me how refreshing it is to see me happy like I am.

He said he felt wanted.

Here’s the thing: I’m not doing anything out of the ordinary.

I just love sex and I’m not afraid to express it. I have no secret powers, or special, out of this world, unique insight from years of expertise to share.

For years, I wondered why anyone would stop, because so many people told me they did.

And what I realized is that they are often afraid. Or shame.

I can sympathize – really giving in the body (and for others) is not an easy task, especially for women.

For us, it might be tied to feeling like a secondary character in bed. We are not taught to be vocal in bed, so it makes sense that we take on the submissive role.

Or maybe you’re afraid to be too passionate, if your partner doesn’t like it.

Actually, I’m happy that many of my past sexual partners have taken such pleasure in the gusto with which I shag him.

It is partly to their credit, because passion goes both ways.

I want you to know that my passion is only possible because I was given – and also claimed – the space to be me in bed.

There is no ‘secret’ to a good sex life. Experts can share practical tips but this alone will not solve the puzzle. But if you let your spirit shine through, and show how much you are enjoying yourself, you will bag a good shag every time.

It took many years of sexual experience (and many mistakes) for me to finally feel enough surrender to rapture.

Remember that you are the protagonist in your sex life.

Be yourself, let your spirit loose and great sex will follow.

Do you have a story you want to share? Email jess.austin@metro.co.uk.

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