Rising parental anxiety is causing “next-level helicopter parenting” for college students, a psychotherapist told Fox News Digital — and others agree that while well-intentioned, it can be harmful in the long run.
“There’s no doubt (that) parents are more anxious and more intrusive than ever,” Jonathan Alpert, a psychotherapist in Manhattan and Washington, DC, and author of the book “Be Fearless: Change Your Life in 28 Days” told Fox News Digital. via email on Tuesday.
Some parents, Alpert said, “track their kids through apps and even try to connect them with professors.”
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As college classes resume, social media posts abound from worried parents asking if they should call RAs (resident assistants), intervene in roommate problems or even drive to campus to help their children.
An Aug. 29 post on Reddit’s “r/College” page from a man who claimed to be a freshman at Yale detailed how his parents were “constantly tracking” him — even setting his bedtime.
Social media is full of posts from parents and students detailing behaviors that mental health professionals told Fox News Digital don’t allow children to develop as adults. (iStock)
“They determined that I should be in bed, in the dormitory, at 10 o’clock every night. I have switched the location in Find My to the iPad, which I left in the dormitory, and I paused the location in Life 360 to get around this. ,” said the user Reddit “Sageshrub.” Life360 is a location sharing app.
Sageshrub wrote that her mother “called the police at my school and found out where I was” after she didn’t answer the phone.
“He then emailed my dean and wanted me to withdraw from the school,” he said, adding that his “controlling behavior is making me anxious and depressed – does anyone have any ideas on what I can do to get some peace?”
“Does anyone have any ideas on what I can do to get some peace?”
Fox News Digital reached out to Sageshrub for any updates.
This type of over-the-top behavior from parents is not entirely unheard of, said Alpert.
“In my own practice, I have many parents contact me on behalf of their young children to try to set up a therapy appointment,” she said. The behavior is rooted in parental anxiety rather than an inability to make adult appointments, he said.
Parents must “strike a balance” between keeping track of their children and allowing them to grow into independent adults, one therapist said. (iStock)
“Many parents who have a strong emotional bond with their child may feel the same sense of loss as their child goes to school,” Alpert said.
Using apps to track their children gives parents “a sense of control and reassurance, and helps reduce anxiety.”
He suggests parents “strike the balance” – which allows them to grow into independent adults.
One thing parents are dealing with today is “worrying about worrying, or worrying about the possibility of worrying,” Jennifer L. Hartstein, PsyD, told Fox News Digital. Hartstein Psychological Services, PLLC, is based in New York.
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“The problem with this is that it ultimately affects college-aged children, and it’s also a cause for concern,” he said via email.
At the beginning of college, it is “normal” for young people to experience what Hartstein calls an “adjustment period” – “anxiety, sadness, some difficulties.” He said that “many parents react strongly to this, as if their child is suffering rather than leading a typical reaction to newness and change.”
It’s common for freshmen to struggle, psychologists say, but parents who come to fix problems don’t help young people grow. (iStock)
These parents “try to step in” and fix the problem – but in doing so, they prevent “growth, learning and resilience.”
“While it may seem easier for parents to just come in, and it may ease the anxiety of parents, it actually harms young people,” he said.
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However, “parents need to slow down, control their own reactions, and help teach and guide their children instead of doing it for them,” Hartstein said.
But for some college freshmen, their parents are just doing what they’ve always done: helicoptering.
‘Parent’s helicopter for years’
Parents who engage in this behavior “prevent their children from learning to be independent adults,” Dr. Gail Saltz, associate professor of psychiatry at NY Presbyterian Hospital Weill-Cornell School of Medicine and host of the “How Can I” Help?” podcast, told Fox News Digital via email.
“The success of their children (is) a reflection on the mind of a watchful parent, and the struggle of their children means that they are not doing enough work.”
Many of these parents, Saltz said, “have been helicopter parents for years, smoothing the way, helping kids avoid mistakes or failures, (and) taking care of the problems their kids are having.”
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Being a helicopter parent with a successful child is a core part of their identity, they explain. “The success of their children (is) a reflection on the mind of a watchful parent, and the struggles of their children mean that they are not doing enough work.”
But raising young people this way doesn’t set them up for success into adulthood.
Many “helicopter parents” have successful children as part of their identity, says an associate professor of psychiatry. (iStock)
Self-reliant adults are those who are “confident in their own ability to manage their lives, begin to learn from their mistakes and get back up,” he said.
That means they have the ability to learn from their mistakes and gain confidence in their academic abilities – something that cannot happen if parents are constantly tracking and editing their homework.
“Now you have some parent-created reality that makes it the first time these kids are on their own to manage concrete and emotional tasks that will cause them to struggle,” Saltz said.
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Anxiety about a child’s potential for struggle, coupled with the certainty that there will be problems the first time the child is on their own, “creates a recipe for extreme college helicopters,” Saltz said.
‘Don’t lose your youth’
Parents who send their children to college should “know that you’re not losing a young child,” Alpert told Fox News Digital, adding that “your child going to college is a sign that you’re doing everything right.”
Parents should “trust that you have taught your child well, and that he will know how to overcome the many challenges that will come his way, and this is part of building character.”
“Believe that you have taught your child well, and he will know how to overcome the many challenges that will come his way.”
Anyone struggling with these emotions, he said, should “draw it back and acknowledge it as progress and accomplishment.”
In addition, Alpert says, “next-level helicopter parents” need to work on their own mental state. “Remember, stress is contagious, and naturally, your child will want to please you,” she says.
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Children who feel responsible for allaying their parents’ worries may have trouble assimilating into college life, Alpert said.
“You can also put them in a difficult place: Take care of their parents’ emotions or go out and find autonomy,” he said.
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However, worried parents should seek support from other parents, Alpert said.
“They will understand your emotions, and you can be best friends through this transition,” she said.
