In some sports, such as football, the referee signals a red flag or gives a red card for a foul. Sometimes, love is talked about like a game. It’s not romantic, but it can definitely feel that way. People often discuss “red flags” in relationships, which have the same meaning as those raised in games. And some major ones red flags in people which is important to note. Importantly, your physical and emotional well-being is not a toy. You deserve to feel safe.
“Everyone has their own personal ick factors that make someone unsuitable for you, but there are certain red flags that indicate that someone may not be able to provide a safe and secure partnership,” she explains. Dr. Kiki Fehling, Ph.D., DBT-LBClicensed psychologist. “Knowing them can help you maintain your emotional well-being and end problematic relationships before you invest.”
Dr. Fehling says investing can make leaving more challenging. However, sometimes, noticing common red flags in men involves reading between the lines. Psychologists help by sharing the 10 biggest red flags in men you shouldn’t ignore, plus the number one sign you’re spotting a keeper when dating.
(Quick disclaimer: “I would say (this behavior can) happen to anyone—not just specific to people,” he said Dr. Catherine Nobile Psy.D., psychologist and director of Nobile Psychology.)
related: 5 Unexpected Signs *You* Could Be a Toxic Person in a Relationship—Plus, How to Break Free of the Behavior
10 Red Flags in Your Man You Shouldn’t Ignore
1. Very jealous
Hot seats are uncomfortable and not somewhere you want to sit on a regular basis. Dr. Nobile said often the questioning about social life or negative feelings about time both mean clinging and possessiveness. Although “love is a game,” you are not a gift.
“Name the behavior clearly with clear boundaries and how you feel,” Dr. Nobile suggested. “If the jealousy doesn’t subside or gets worse, you might consider withdrawing from the relationship.”
Related: 10 Subtle Phrases That Tell People Are Jealous and How to Respond, According to Therapists
2. Control behavior
They try to dictate what you wear, where you go and who you see. They may make decisions for you and check your phone and social media accounts. The chronic need to hold onto your car keys for life is a sign of controlling behavior—and it’s a problem.
“Controlling behavior can be more abusive or manipulative behavior and is sometimes a precursor to physical or emotional abuse,” he said Dr. Holly Schiff, Psy.D., licensed clinical psychologist with South County Psychiatry.
Like jealousy, boundaries, support and ending relationships are critical steps to consider.
Related: If Someone Uses These 7 Phrases, They Could Be Trying To Control You, According To Psychologists
3. Be confidential
A little secret can be fun and seductive, but the context is important. Not being open about phone communications (including texts and emails), refusing to tell them where they’re going or with whom and not answering the right questions clearly and directly are problems, he said. Dr. Michele Goldman, Ph.D., psychologist and media advisor to the Hope for Depression Research Foundation.
“If you notice these signs, call attention to them,” Dr. Goldman recommends. “Point out that he’s a secret, and you’re not happy with how you feel. Ask him to change his behavior.”
Being immediate is important, even if he isn’t.
“If this behavior is ignored, it shows that they can continue to be secretive or sneaky,” said Dr. Goldman. “This can, unwittingly, encourage more of the same behavior because they think they’re going to leave.”
4. Emotional problems
“Some men struggle with expressing their emotions, and most men express their emotions differently than women,” said Dr. Goldman.
For example, Dr. Goldman said some people may not show emotion, while others (or the same person) may bottle up anger and then explode.
“Women need to believe that men can display their emotions in a healthy way,” said Dr. Goldman. “It has to do with how he’s going to treat him—is he going to yell and scream at him or walk away and cool off?
If applicable, of course. However, working on this will likely lead to generational cycles.
“Normalize that men do not express their emotions in the same way as women and discuss the fact that society does not encourage people to be emotional,” said Dr. Goldman. “Debunk the myth that ‘men show weak emotions,’ and work with your partner to be honest and expressive with you.”
5. Names
It is unacceptable.
“Fighting is normal, and losing emotions that happen from time to time, but partners should express their pain or displeasure with each other’s behavior without making it personal about the person,” Dr. Fehling explained. “Attacking your character or insulting you, like calling you ‘stupid,’ psycho, ‘lazy’ or ‘ugly,’ is never OK.”
related: ‘I’ve been a couples therapist for over 20 years, this is one of the biggest relationship myths I want everyone to disbelieve’
6. The silent treatment remains
Sometimes. tempers may need to cool, but there is a difference between a healthy rest and a toxic cold shoulder.
“Breaks must be communicated clearly and kindly with the goal of coming back together to fix or resolve the problem,” said Dr. Fehling. “When someone unilaterally decides when a fight is over and intentionally ignores their partner’s attempts to reconnect as a way to punish or manipulate them, that’s silent treatment. That’s a red flag.”
Related: How to Respond to the Silent Treatment, According to a Psychologist
7. Inconsistent or evasive communication
Communication is the touchstone of a healthy relationship—and a red flag one needs to work on.
“Evasive communication signals untrustworthiness or non-commitment,” said Dr. Noble.
Dr. Nobile says it’s important to respond to poor communication by expressing your needs clearly. If your request is not met, they suggest re-evaluating the relationship.
Related: Why Therapists Beg People to Stop ‘Dry Texting’
8. Lack of responsibility
It’s not all your fault. If he says that, it’s a red flag.
“A refusal to take responsibility can be a way to avoid facing up to one’s shortcomings or the need to do some work in the relationship,” Dr. Nobile said.
In addition, Dr. Nobile said that issues that are being dealt with in the background can fuel the problem and lead to bigger problems later.
9. Ignore boundaries
Boundaries are often recommended for building healthy relationships (and have been discussed as the first step in handling some of these red flags). Repeated oversteps are red flags in people. For example, Dr. Nobile says it’s a problem when a man constantly forces you to do things you don’t want to do or does things without your permission.
“Boundary violations can indicate a lack of respect for you, and a lack of respect can easily cross over into more serious violations of your personal space and personal sovereignty,” he said.
10. Constant comparison with the former
“Men may be used to talking about their exes, but there’s a difference between talking about your ex and comparing yourself to one,” says Dr. Goldman.
Too much comparison is the thief of joy.
“It sets up a dynamic that Ex is doing something different, potentially more,” Dr. Goldman explained. “It’s an insult and it’s probably humiliating.”
Dr. Goldman suggests discussing the emotional impact on you.
“Explaining how being compared to others means that they don’t respect you or value you,” she advises.
The #1 Green Flag in Men To Be Appreciated
Two psychologists say consistency is a positive sign in relationships with people.
“He can be trusted, he keeps his promises, he keeps his promises, and his actions are consistent and predictable,” said Dr. Schiff. “You don’t have to guess how he’s going to react, and you know how he feels about you and the relationship.”
Dr. Nobile emphasizes consistent communication as a winning trait.
“This means that he actively listens to you, respects your opinion and engages in honest and honest conversations,” said Dr. Noble. “This is a sign that they are committed to understanding and respecting your perspective, which helps foster a strong and healthy relationship.”
Dr. Nobile said consistent communication builds trust and demonstrates a genuine desire to maintain meaningful relationships. It can also help with troubleshooting, including some of the flags mentioned above.
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Related: 8 Things Narcissists Hate, According to Psychologists
